The process of learning parenting is rough on the first born. Inexperienced parents can have the best intentions and still make mistakes that have long range negative impact on their children. Child-Compassionate Parenting adheres to developmental stages and provides for the healthy personality to develop while maintaining parental control and reason. Here are ten parenting pitfalls to avoid.

1. ARGUING IN FRONT OF THE CHILD

Irritation and exhaustion make parents more volatile. Complaining and bickering may relieve some built up pressure but these anger embers can explode into a yelling fight. Young toddlers can be so alarmed that they may have accidents or get ill when their parents become angry. Screaming and anger were part of a survival reaction when the mother deemed an intruder was life threatening. There is no excuse for putting this much stress on a child. Discuss adult issues and disagreements in civil and polite tones. The person who is yelling is trying to win an argument by acting violent and that is unfair fighting.

2. SENSORY OVERLOAD

The body can handle millions of bits of information intake but then it needs a break. The noise level of children, their television programs, appliances, pets and phones can leave a parent confused and stressed. A fifteen minute walk, with only the sound of the birds, can do wonders for your psyche. When the child is safely in his or her stroller and you are away from unimportant urgency, telephones and chaos, then you can process and relax. A slow stroll without any other purpose than to “Listen to the song of life,” as Katherine Hepburn often said. At home, if your child is clearly in sight, make a cup of hot green tea and sip it slowly wearing earplugs. The combination of antioxidants and silence is healing. Sound is a necessary warning signal, so mini breaks only.

3. NO NO’S

As a child ages they can learn from other peoples mistakes, but toddlers want to experience everything for themselves. Eliminate the possibilities for disaster rather than spend the precious time you have with your child saying, “No” so many times that the child becomes immune to the word. Save “No!’ for dangerous moments that could be life threatening. You want that word to stop them in their tracks so do not over use it on meaningless control issues. If the child is drawn to Grandma’s colorful vase, put the vase away and replace it with a plastic object or stuffed animal. Let the child explore, touch and occasionally taste the room’s objects until they have learned what they need to learn. Usually, the child only makes one pass across everything. Follow the child patiently helping them to explore the breakable items, explaining that this will break so we leave it alone. Then, put the vase up where there is no chance of a mistake. The vase is nothing compared to your child.

4. SWIM

Teach your child to swim. “Drowning is the second leading cause of accidental injury-related death among children ages 1 to 14 and the leading cause of accidental injury-related death among children ages 1 to 4.” ( usa.safekids.org/” target=”_blank usa.safekids.org). Even if you are afraid of the water yourself or hate the amount of chlorine your child is exposed to in public pools, teach your child to swim. Drowning is preventable unlike a car accident or many other accidents. Chlorine is as hard on your lungs as your eyes so insist on better ventilation at swimming pools especially an indoor pool with low ceilings. Non-chlorinated disinfectants are available and used in many European pools. But if all you have is the local pool reeking of chlorine, you owe your child a fighting chance to swim to safety. Teach your child to swim now.

5. VEGANS

Good idea but the human body is complicated and requires B12 and Vitamin D and fish or nut oil good fats that can not be supplied in many limited diets. Feed your child a variety of healthy organic foods as often as possible but do not be too restrictive. We only know a fraction of the intricacies of the chemical reactions in the body and many facts become fiction as science discovers new evidence. Waiting for water in plastic bottles when often municipality water is superior can lead to dehydration and serious complications. Letting a young child feel painful hunger pangs because the food is not perfectly nutritious is counterproductive to good parenting. Sometimes it is O.K. to help the child deal with difficult situations with a full belly of just O.K. food.

6. ASSUME THEY ARE GOOD

See that mischievous glint in your child’s eyes that alerts you to impending trouble? Remember it well so that you recognize it when as teenagers they get that same look when they have an exciting idea. Even as you absolutely know for certain that they are doing something wrong, discipline means teaching. Remind them of the consequence of disobeying you and wait to see what they do. They will weigh the potential pleasure reward of doing what they are thinking versus the severity of your consequence. Typically, they will choose pleasure. Calmly, shake your head and say I asked you to do that and instead you did the other. The consequence will now be this. If you are really clever you will have already pasted the crime and punishment on the refrigerator before it happens so you can say, “See.” Start with very tiny logical consequences, like a minute of time out that matches their age and loss of gadgets and privileges when they are older. Save the big punishment for drug and alcohol use, stealing or not using a condom, much later. Never use big threats or joke with threats. When it is really important they will not know whether you are serious or joking.

7. YOU ARE ON

After a long day of work, a couple just wants to eat, shower and sit down. But who is watching the baby? Never leave a child unattended. You must get a response from the other parent acknowledging that they are on duty before you run to the bathroom or step outside even for a moment. When you are on, you must prioritize your job of protecting your child from harm over a television game, surfing the internet or making dinner. Make a section of a visible room a safe play area that is baby gated and away from obvious danger. Toddlers can stack toys together to make an escape faster than you can get back to your computer chair. Never leave a child in front of a television while you go back to sleep. They can open a door and be in the street so quickly. You use to love to play. Perhaps, you could play with your child joyfully for a while. Some day they will not want you anymore. So relax and enjoy running in the park, puppets and card games again. When they leave for college, you can repaint the house and get new flooring. Tolerate messy toys, spills and other accidents.

8. TRUST BUILDING

Realities of life are extremely harsh. As humans we must suspend the truths of our short existence. Our vulnerable body can die in a few minutes from a cut or a few inches of water. Knowing how to balance protective parenting and fear inducing anxiety is tricky. Teaching the kindness and beauty of the world is more important than teaching the horrific things people do to each other. If you want your child to know Jesus, teach the wisdom of Jesus, not the sadistic brutality of Roman gladiators nailing a man’s hands. If you want your child to love animals visit a zoo, or adopt a pet rather than watching the television footage of a lioness eating the belly of a living deer. You need to stay informed, but the news is also on at ten after the child is asleep. Can you really explain to them why other parents allow their adult children’s bodies to be contaminated and destroyed in wars? Can they believe it won’t happen to them? Protect your children’s hearts and minds at every opportunity until they are in school where they will learn the history of man soon enough.

9. NIGHTY NIGHT

Never use bedtime as a punishment. A child abruptly left in a dark room to sob is abhorrent to experienced parents and anyone who has a heart. Such selfish parental quick fixes will result in long term damage to trust and self esteem. If you must punish a worn out tired child, use time out instead. Then, begin a pleasant nighttime ritual of bath, brushing teeth, p.j.’s, a book, a favorite bear and blanket, a kiss and good night. This ritual will cut down on phobias, nightmares, guilt, anxiety and hysterically crying rejected little children. Bedtime is one of the most loving experiences of parenting that when done correctly results in strong bonding.

10. BUDGET BABYSITTERS

Funds are tight and so many purchases seem important, however, spend money on a babysitter at least once a week. Time alone with your spouse in dating mode will help keep your love alive. Like a delicate flower you must water, feed and care for you living and changing love. Men need attention from their wives and wives need nurturing from their men. Hire a babysitter, grandparent or older teen to play with your child while you spend time with each other as a couple. Go play miniature golf, or bowl or dance, feel young again, carefree and unencumbered for a little while. The best gift you can give your child is a stable, happy home life, not an abundance of things or fancy schools.

Forgive in your heart the struggles of childhood and parent with a compassionate, not critical code of behavior. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. Your reward will not be your child thanking you for your sacrifices. Your reward will be the realization that your parenting skills advanced forward as you watch your grown child parent your grandchild with Child-Compassionate Parenting.

Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love,” ISBN 159507158X. She is an authority on relationship and psychological topics, a member of the American Psychological Association and a licensed mental health counselor. Dr. Molly has appeared as an expert in the film, My Suicide, documentaries Ready to Explode and KTLA Impact, NBC news, PBS In Focus, WBZT talk radio and in O Magazine, Psychology Today, Newsday, The Nest, MSN.com, Yahoo, Match.com, N Magazine, Women’s Health and Women’s World. Take the new relationship compatibility test by psychology expert Dr. Molly Barrow. Please visit:
DrMollyBarrow.com/ DrMollyBarrow.com/ Love and healthy relationship advice for pre-marital, marriage, dating and business relationships.

At the grocery store, at a large store like Home Depot, or anywhere else with a shopping cart, too many parents do not properly fasten children in carts. I have seen children climbing around on merchandise under the huge shelves in Home Depot, which is very dangerous. I have seen parents just sit the kid in the back of the cart, and then let them stand up in the cart. Children do not learn proper rules of conduct when taught this way. Then all of a sudden there is a news broadcast of how a child got hurt at Home Depot for instance. I only chose Home Depot relative to the large shelves and type of merchandise. It could happen in any store. I say that if the parents cared about their own children properly by fastening them inside the cart correctly, the child would most likely NOT get hurt. More importantly, the child would learn how to control their own action. There are many ways to help children enjoy being in the shopping cart. Be creative, make it enjoyable, and safe within their world.

Recently I watched over a near 2-year-old boy for about a month and a half everyday, while his mother was at work. The father was in Canada, the mother was going back there in June, which she did, to give birth to their daughter. The young toddler boy was a very curious one, who quickly figured out what happens when he messes with dials, knobs, and buttons. He was very wild in the one bedroom apartment when mom was home. When I was there with him alone, he was usually (not always) behaved. Behaved to me means doing what I told him to do, and only playing with his personal toys. When he misbehaved I just sat him on the couch for a few minutes. That worked just as long sometimes. My voice tone was always pretty strict for his own safety which usually worked.

I noticed how his mother would hand him food while he was running around the apartment. A couple times I tried to give him a snack, while telling him to sit in his chair; but, he still had it all over the floor in no time. I would have to grab him to stop him from eating it off the carpet. Yuck! When I gave him the bottle with some juice or water, he would pour it all over himself on purpose. Finally I decided he would only eat or drink in his high chair. That did not suit him sometimes, but too bad, so sad…kid!

Speaking of high chair, he always decided quickly that he was the boss, and would immediately try to step out when I took the tray off. Well I stopped that right away, after the first time he slipped and bumped his noggen. After he was done eating or drinking, I would say “wait” over and over again as I cleaned off the tray. He loved to brush his food in his eyes and on his head, so I concentrated on cleaning his hands first, his face/head second, and then his hands again. I kept repeating “wait” over and over again while I removed the tray. I also said, “wait or you will ouch your head again.” He always knew what I was talking about. He would then not move, look for my arm reaching, to assist him down from the high chair. I found it easy to train him that way, but as soon as mom came home, he would be wild again. I told her what I did, but she ignored me.

Some other thing I did was point to, and repeat, the elevator numbers as they went up or down. His mom did not say thank you, but figured that one out from me and started doing it. I sang the ABC song and played special videos with that song in it everyday. Elmo is still in my head now after almost a month, but it was worth it. I never allowed the little tot to watch me put on my makeup, or use anything I had with me, that he did need to get into. If not in his sight, then not in his mind. It worked. He never messed with any of my makeup or personal items. It was a way to relate to this child, who quickly tried to repeat the same thing someone else is doing. In a small apartment I believe you have to be creative, with techniques like these, in teaching things to children. The child will learn, whether you consciously teach them right, or unconsciously teach them something wrong, or something that is not age appropriate for them.

When children are encouraged to never follow proper rules, or safety precautions, from early on in life, they do not learn how to control their own actions, as they make their own choices day after day. For instance, they choose to cross the street without caring if the crosswalk sign is on or not. I have seen many times where parents jaywalk a child across the street, and then later a child freely walks in the road ignoring traffic lights, or rides their bicycle all over the road as well.

What are you teaching your child everyday in the world of safety and self-control?

Laura Gullett
lgullett.qhealthbeauty.com lgullett.qhealthbeauty.com
skybits.com skybits.com