A parent is meant to be the rock in a child’s life. We set the rules and children live by them, right? Many times this is the case. We set up specific guidelines for our children so that they can distinguish the difference between right and wrong. Sometimes, however, negotiation is necessary to resolve a conflict.
When parents and children have competing interests, it is important to keep the lines of communication open. Negotiation is sometimes the best way to do this. Working together might result in a solution that makes both sides happy.
For example, let’s say your child wants to go over a friend’s house after school, but you need him or her to help you with some chores around the house. Negotiating can help both sides get their way. Perhaps the child could do half of the chores before going to his or her friend’s house, but then have an earlier curfew to finish the remaining half of the chores later that night. Whatever solution you find, reaching it by negotiation rather than an argument can keep the peace when parents and children disagree.
Children can be very shrewd negotiators in their own right, and you should encourage this trait to help them develop good communication and argument skills as they get older. One common cause for concern among children is asking for a raise in allowance. If a child simply asks for the pay increase, maybe you should prompt him or her for reasons why they feel they should get the raise. Perhaps set a condition for the child to meet before the raise in allowance is given. It is never too early to start building the foundation for good reasoning skills.
When you and your children negotiate, be sure to maintain a casual tone in the discussion. Yelling over one another about why one person is right and the other is wrong is not going to solve anything. Those are not good argument skills. What you want your children to take away from the negotiation, besides the satisfaction of knowing they got what they wanted, is the ability to form clear ideas to support their argument.
While these skills might only be employed with older children, you can start to apply it at a basic level. If a child wants ice cream after dinner, tell them they can only have it if they eat three more bites or finish their meal. When the meal is finished and the child is happily slurping down his or her ice cream, both parent and child are satisfied. What is crucial to this lesson is that you stick to your word. If they don’t eat the three bites, they don’t get the ice cream.
Although certain points should be non-negotiable, those that aren’t can only be settled through clear communication. Just as in any relationship, the relationship between parent and child is only going to work if they communicate with each other, even if it means sacrificing some of what we want.
Solomon Brenner has been teaching martial arts to children and adults for
ten years, and holds a 6th degree black belt in Kenpo Karate. During that
time he has held countless seminars on subjects such as self-esteem in
children and teens, behavior and discipline, praise vs. punishment, career
motivation, goal setting, parenting, and self defense. He has spoken to
elementary schools, women’s groups, scouting organizations, civic
associations and corporate seminars. Using these experiences, he has
recently authored Black Belt Parenting, a motivational how-to book for
parents.
